How to Almost Not Make Cranberry Apple Bread

True story of how new recipes get rigorously tested and tweaked in the house of a Chef.

Mission: Cranberry-Apple Bread.

Recipe As One Might Intend to Make It:

2 c Apples, peeled, cored and diced
3/4 c White Sugar
2 T  Vegetable Oil
1 Egg


1 1/2 c AP Flour
1 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Cinnamon

1 c Fresh Cranberries

Mix wet. Mix dry. Combine and add Cranberries.
Oven at 350, greased loaf pan, 35 minutes/toothpick test

Actual Process if You Want to Cook Like This Chef at Home:

First, cut up the apples then wash and sort the cranberries, then set aside in a bowl until you have time to make the bread.

After 1 day, cover with plastic and move to the fridge.

On Day 3, get fed up with seeing the prep in the fridge and start the recipe even though it MIGHT NOT be the best time to do the project. I.E. the family is just sitting down to dinner... "But it'll just take 5 minutes to mix it and put in the oven, and if I start it any later I'll be literally waiting up (exhausted) watching it rise through the greasy glass oven door, knowing that when it finally DOES emerge, I'll have to then unmold it from the pans and let it cool before wrapping it which will take a freaking hour. SO JUST DO IT NOW" says your brain.

Without bothering to clear off a space to work, get out a couple mixing bowls, measuring spoons, spatula etc, and array the ingredients on several surfaces across the kitchen.

Check the prepped fruit for quality, throwing out the cranberries that went bad, then realize that there are 2 cups of that fruit instead of one, but only the standard amount of apples. Resolve to increase the overall batter by about a third. Don't take the time to do the math on paper and revise the recipe, but instead just guesstimate each item one at a time. (Pro Tip: this is exactly how to create confusion just like in a real restaurant kitchen!)

Dry Mix:
Since the family's health is paramount, split the flour into 50/50 whole grain and white. Also, use Spelt instead of wheat flour, because that works (sometimes.) Easy peasy, a cup of each.
Then use a rounded double teaspoon of the baking powder to add a little oomph, and forget about fussing around with the Baking Soda. Move on to the Wet Mix.

Wet Mix:
One egg is not sufficient for the new scale of the recipe, so use 2 eggs, even though you're not doubling everything else in the recipe. The alternative, of whipping an egg then discarding 2/3 of it seems too ridiculous. C'mon, it's freaking bread here, just make it work. Also, replace the white sugar with "healthy" Sucanat crystals.

Add Wet to Dry:
While combining these carefully with a spatula, realize you forgot the cinnamon. The spoons are dirty in the sink so just shake some in there, and a little cardamom too since it's the Season. While mixing, notice that the batter is impossibly dry. "What were those idiots thinking when they posted this recipe, it CLEARLY doesn't work." Start adding random splashes of milk straight from the gallon jug and continue mixing until it seems wet enough to actually cover the fruit. Oops, now its a bit soupy.  Add a dash more of just the white flour thus killing any chance of actually repeating this recipe exactly since now the ratio is somewhere between 1:1 and 1:1.314167858490.

Looks like muffin batter now, but a little drier to compensate for that extra shitload of fruit in there. Better to err on the side of not making pudding out of this. Add the cranberries.

Butter 2 loaf pans since of course there may be too much batter for one, divide the batter and realize both loaves will likely be proportioned like paving stones.

At this point, there is no f'ing way to know if this bread will turn out. Accept that!

Set the timer (the friend of the overtaxed chef!) for 15 minutes.  Then ride the timer in 2 minute increments and stab the loaves with a skewer each time you open the oven door.  Every time you do this, make a Safe Zone with your body around the oven door area so the kids, who are running pell-mell through the house, don't end up scarred for life. But make a game out of it somehow or else tantrums may commence.

"Hey, dudes, your cars have to stop for the Dingdales at the crossing." (You don't even know what a "dingdale" is but your 5 year old who sometimes mis-hears things and then insists he knows exactly what he's talking about, has taught you the word.)

Luckily, by the time the bread is baked the kids are winding down towards bed, so drop the loaves out onto the counter, go read some stories to the kids, then crash out yourself and find out in the morning if that crap is worth eating. . .

Hey, this is actually delicious! And it travels well, so you can feed it to the kids while driving to school. The flat profile is a bonus in that it stays together better than a thin slice from a regular loaf.

Almost the Actual Recipe!
2 c   Apples, peeled, cored and diced
3/4 c   White Sugar Sucanat
2  2.5 T  Vegetable Oil
1  2 Eggs, beaten
3 glugs Milk

1 1/2  1 1/4 c White Spelt Flour
1  c  Whole Spelt Flour
1 1/2 2 fat tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Cinnamon
?? Half that amount of Cardamom

1 7/8 c Fresh Cranberries (unless yours didn't spoil, then use the full 2 c)

Mix wet. Mix dry. Combine and add Cranberries.
Oven at 350, greased loaf pan x 2, 20-ish minutes/toothpick test

Chef's Reflection on the Recipe:

Instead of using my mastery of the craft to make a perfect bread, I have merely used it to overcome a bunch of ridiculous obstacles.  Or maybe I just got lucky. Enjoy!

P.S. A good recipe is one that can be screwed up in numerous ways and still turn out tasty. So hold on to that original draft at the top of the page. It's a keeper.